Never fades away

Tim McGraw said it right in his song "Something Like That"
"But the memory of the first love never fades away"

I guess I wouldn't say I loved you, but there is something about you. It's almost been three years, and I can't forget you. I still could tell you some of the conversations we had. I remember the little details about you. The way your eyes squint when you take a picture. The way you flop your hair and move your head to get the hair out of your eyes. I can still picture the way you walk. I can see you smiling at me. Waiting for me, and walking with me. I'll never forget the way my heart would leap when I saw your name pop up on my phone. I remember staying up with you until 4 in the morning, just to see if we could stay awake. I remember falling asleep on your shoulder. I can still feel you giving me the tightest hug and spinning me around.

Why can't you realize that I want you? I always have, and I feel like I always will. Can't you just be mine?

Where do I go from here?

Is it possible that I only have fifteen days of high school left?  Only fifteen more days with my classmates I've known my whole life. With every day that passes my class and I get so excited because its one day closer to graduation. Sure I'm excited, but I have been having this sinking feeling in my gut. I don't want to start all over. I'm going to walk into a class of over two hundred, and not know a single individual. I just want my class of sixteen to last forever. I feel like most of them are my family, and I feel very special to have so many close friends. I still know that something more is supposed to come out of all of this. There are friendships that I will keep forever, and others that I feel could have been closer relationships. The not knowing of  what could have happened is what hurts me the most. Where do I go from here? How do I know everything is happening the way it should?

Don't dwell on the past. You must live every day to its full potential. There is no point in worrying about what you can't change. I need to remember that things always happen the way they are supposed to, even if I don't understand it all at the time.

Pieces of you

I feel like my heart is slowly breaking. I don't feel like its shattering, I just feel like certain pieces don't belong anymore. I think it's change. I don't like change. It means nothing in this world is permanent, and that is so scary. Sure things change for the better, but they can also change for the worst. Sometimes I just wonder if people truly change, or do we just start looking at them in a new light. When we see them in a new light, do they see us in a new light as well? I just want to know what he thinks of me. I feel like I've always kept him in my heart and mind ever since we stopped talking years ago. When he sees me on a daily basis, does he honestly not care that our friendship is no longer there? It hurts me to think he doesn't care. He has to care deep down, I know it. I feel like lately I've been giving little hints and signs that I want to be friends. I always would avoid him, and then senior year came and I didn't see the point of hiding from him anymore. I feel like we make a tiny step to regaining our friendship, and then just like that I am insecure about it all over agin. I just don't understand why I want him to accept me so bad. He is only one person.

I miss you

 I miss your smile.  I miss your laugh. I miss your ability to change my mood from sad to happy. I miss holding your hand. I miss cuddling up to you. I miss having you right beside me. I miss kissing you. I miss you tickling me until I couldn't breathe. I miss when you would kiss me on the cheek. I miss you laughing at me. I miss everything.

 I miss you.

Falling Apart

I can just feel things falling apart. You are pulling away from me, and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm trying to fix things. Trying to bring you back to me, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to say. Is this just a phase? I'm feeling crushed, but maybe I should have seen this coming all along. I just want to understand.

I always like what's not good for me.

When we first kissed

I can't help the smile that forms on my face, and you are the reason why :)